Festival of Football 2 - Euro 2008 Blog Special

So it's a fondue farewell to EURO 2008

2008-06-30T17:12:00.007+01:00

They think it's all over, and it is now.

Wow, what a tournament, 31 matches with only two or three duds and with several genuine classics and plenty of high drama, especially in the knock-out phase where tournament football usually gets too nervy and cagey to be truly entertaining.

With Torres's winner in the final it meant that 77 goals were scored, exactly the same as at EURO 2004, but the manner of many of the goals has meant that it's been an entirely different tournament from last time with fantastic quick counter-attacking and passing moves replacing the reliance on set pieces that saw Greece crowned as champs last time out.

Also, despite all the usual pre-tournament grumblings about the new ball being lighter and liable to move around in the air like a demented bumble bee, there's been relatively few long range goals, only Ibrahimovich and Ballack managing to score from any distance outside the penalty area. Instead most of the goals have been the product of brilliant passages of play, showing the importance of quick, accurate passing and intelligent movement, something that I hope England, under Capello, can learn from (although don't bet on it, I fully expect to see Ferdinand, Lampard, Gerrard and co pumping aimless balls upfront for Rooney and Owen to chase in the World Cup qualifiers).

So a wonderful tournament and as is customary here's a rundown of some of the highs and lows.

Best goal - Nihat's fantastic winner against the Czech Republic to cap a remarkable comeback from 2-0 down to win 3-2 and send the unfancied Turks through to the semi-finals.

Worst goal - Petter Hansson's scrambled effort against Greece, the ball eventually ricocheting off his left knee and the Greek central defenders stood paralysed by ineptitude.

Best game - Too many to choose from, although Holland vs Russia probably wins it for Arshavin's fantastic performance.

Worst game - Any that involved the French, apart from their twatting at the hands of Holland.

Best facial hair - Germany's immobile centreback, Metzelder, who, with the beard looks as though he could've been playing in the 1970's, in fact he had the pace of someone 30 years older so perhaps he was?

Best player - Arshavin, a little genius, completely dominated two out of the three matches he played in, it's a shame that Spain managed to emasculate him so completely and make him play like the ruddy faced choir boy that he so resembled.

Worst player - It's a toss up between two titanically crap target men, the worst Italian hitman ever, Luca Toni and Germany's Mario Gomez, both of whom couldn't have hit an alpine cow's arse with a banjo the size of Leichtenstein.

Best manager - Fatih Terim, looked like a minicab driver and ranted and raved from the sidelines like a fan rather than an international coach.

Worst manager - Raymond Domenech, he had a terrible tournament with France and then to compound his misery, he proposed to his girlfriend, a very attractive French sports presenter, live on air which she huffily rebuffed, quelle surprise!

Best pundit - This is a tough one but it can only really be Martin O'Neill as he was the only one who seemed to vaguely know what he was talking about and not just talk in clichés and national stereotypes (although actually Gordon Strachan wasn't too bad and one of the few people who understood why Ruud Van Nistelrooy's "offside" goal was given).

Worst pundit - The Two Alans (Hanson and Shearer). I know I'm cheating slightly by naming two but, to be honest, they've almost become one banal, monotonous entity and if they can continue to blag a sizable chunk of the licence fee for only having one opinion between them then I feel justified in nominating both of them. The Viennese golf courses and tanning parlours will be missing them, viewers will not.

UEFA stunned as Roman Abramovich bids for EURO 2016

2008-06-26T13:56:00.009+01:00

There was shock today in Zurich as representatives of Chelsea's moneybags owner and Siberian orphan seller, Roman Abramovich, announced his intention to bid for EURO 2016.

It is believed that the bid involves buying the tournament lock, stock and barrel, allowing Abramovich to rename it 'Roman's Euro kickabout 2016', introduce compulsory oversized animal costumes for players and replace sendings off with summary executions, the method of which will be voted on by TV viewers via the red button.

There is also speculation that he may enter his own team into the tournament under the name of 'Romania', as he has already entered into a provisional agreement with the Romanian government to buy the entire country for a sum expected to be in the region of $15 bazillion.

The new Romania will play all in blue, feature a new national flag of blue and have "We'll keep the blue flag flying high" as the national anthem, said bald headed, Abramovich brown-noser, Peter Kenyon, but he denied that there would be any connection between the new 'Romania' and Abramovich's Chelsea in a press conference broadcast yesterday exclusively on Chelsea TV.

According to the bid all of the EURO 2016 matches will be played on a floating 'stealth' pitch, which in between swallowing up nuclear submarines to provide the massive energy requirements, will dock at various ports around the world allowing the rich and famous football-Johnny-come-latelys from all around the globe to enjoy the matches from the comfort of their luxury yachts.

A UEFA spokesman was reported as saying that no final decision on the bidding process has yet been made and that the most important thing was for UEFA to 'maintain the integrity of the tournament' before he was seen running off, skipping and singing "We're in the money!".

The Löw machine rolls on as Lahm slaughters Turkey

2008-06-26T11:09:00.007+01:00

Well all the clichés about the Germans were out in force for this semi-final although they actually progressed to the final through skillful counter-attacking football rather than ruthless efficiency, giving Turkey a taste of their own medicine with a last minute winner from Philippe Lahm,

Senturk had, once again, set up a grandstand finish with his 86th minute equaliser just reward for a fantastic team performance, especially in light of their injuries and suspensions which meant that Fatih Terim had only 13 outfield players available to him.

Turkey had had the better chances in a electrically charged atmosphere in all senses, with the worldwide TV feed from Vienna being interrupted by a massive thunderstorm as the sparks flew on the pitch (many people missed the second German goal as the link went down and even worse, in the UK some people were forced to listen to Radio 5's Alan Green, oh the humanity!).

The match had started with the underdogs first out of the traps, Kazim-Richards thumped a shot against the crossbar early on and when he struck it for a second time, with a looping shot over the befuddled Lehmann, it rebounded to Ugur Boral who scuffed a weak effort that deceived the German keeper with it's lack of pace and trickled between his legs and over the line.

Due to their late, late strikes, Turkey had managed to reach the semis despite only holding the lead in their first four matches for approximately 9 minutes and they only extended this to 13 before the Germans drew level.

In the first twenty minutes Germany had barely gotten out of their own half and looked a totally different team to the one that had blitzed Portugal, however with their first real foray upfield they restored parity, Lukas Podolski running purposefully to the byline and crossing low from the left for Schweinsteiger to expertly flick home. In a tournament crammed full of quick breakaway goals, this was once again a great example of what can be achieved with pace and precision passing.

Turkey went into halftime unlucky not to have the lead that their play had merited. Lehmann having been forced into several saves including free-kicks from Altintop and Boral.

Into the second half and the Germans took the lead. Rustu, who'd gone from villian to penalty saving hero in the blink of an eye against Croatia, had a rush of blood and came for a Lahm cross that he was never going to reach and Miroslav Klose headed into the unguarded net.

This left the stage set for Senturk's late equaliser but ultimately the Turkish supporters were silenced by the Lahm (I can't believe I've stooped so low as to steal an atrocious pun from Gary Lineker.

So the pre-tournament favourites advance into the final despite not having played particularly well, although you have to admire their sheer tenacity and whenever the chips are down someone, in this case Schweinsteiger and the defensively poor but decisive going forward, Lahm, making the difference.

Turkey go home having won plenty of fans with their tag as the "comeback kings" although they were ultimately hoist by their own petard.

Capello hails EURO 2008 success

2008-06-24T20:23:00.005+01:00

Fabio Capello has sensationally claimed that his tenure as England supremo has already been a huge success, as for the first time in the last four tournaments, England have successfully avoided the heartbreak of a quarter-final defeat.

Speaking outside the FA's (s)wanky Soho offices in Golden Shower Square, the swarthy tactical mastermind pointed out that England fans would be happy to be sat at home enjoying the Schadenfreude of watching the distress of the Croatian, Dutch, Italian and Portuguese supporters, as their hastily applied face paint ran down their cheeks like so many multi-coloured tears, rather than drinking their body-weight in beer and proceeding to throw white plastic chairs at riot police as a coping mechanism to deal with the overwelming frustration of yet another wasted summer watching a load of over-hyped, overpaid, flangemuppets blast penalty kicks into orbit.

"England fans", he claimed, "have been able to watch quality football and enjoy matches full of drama and technical skill, something that would not have been possible had England qualified. Also the supermarkets have not, how you say, been full of wankers wearing England shirts buying Danish Carlsberg beer and spouting off about football despite the fact that they would have difficulty distinguishing Wayne Rooney from Rio Ferdinand in a police line up".

EURO2008-vision Song Contest

2008-06-23T17:06:00.005+01:00

Austria - "So Macho" (Sinita)

Croatia - "My name is Corluka" (Suzanne Vega)

Czech Republic - "Roll out the Baros"

France - "Evra little thing she does is magic" (The Police)

Germany - "Frings can only get better" (D-Ream) or "Move Klose" (Phyllis Nelson)

Greece - "Bat out of Dellas" (Meatloaf)

Italy - "Zambrotta Love" (Led Zepplin)

Netherlands - "Oojier" (Outkast)

Poland - "Never mind the Boruc(s)" (Sex Pistols)

Portugal - "Pepe don't preach" (Madonna)

Romania - "There's a Rat in the kitchen" (UB40)

Russia - "Semak the knife" (Frank Sinatra)

Spain - "Hi Ho Silva lining" (Jeff Beck)

Sweden - "Shabaans" (Ricky Martin)

Switzerland - "Return to Senderos" (Elvis Presley)

Turkey - "Lip up Fatih" (Bad Manners)

Fabregas reigns in Spain after penalty win over Italy

2008-06-23T14:42:00.004+01:00

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Worst. Game. Ever.

This game was so dull that it really isn't worthy of a proper match report, in fact if it hadn't been for the fact that I'm blogging this tournament I would've turned this snoozefest off and watched "Big Brother" or some other vacuous Channel 4 crap.

Italy were extremely defensive and without Pirlo, who was suspended, to pull the strings in midfield, they resorted to pumping the ball forward for Luca Toni to head, scuff, mis-control and occasionally shoot everywhere but towards the direction of Casillas's goal.

The previously deadly Spanish duo upfront of Torres and Villa, were both given the kind of service usually reserved for British restaurant customers and, to be honest, in an effort to liven up proceedings I was left to try to decide which of the two teams had the most ridiculous hair (it was between Puyol's ludiculous Scouse-style bubble perm and Luca Toni's pathetic attempt at a pencil moustache, with mentions in dispatches for the rubber band wearing Torres, Silva and Camorenesi and the ridiculous goatee of David Villa).

I was also left waiting for an Italian free-kick on the edge of the Spanish box so that I could sing a variation of the Suzanne Vega song, "Marchena on the wall", yes, this match really was that dull.

The only goalscoring opportunity of note (I've discounted anytime Luca Toni had the ball within the six yard box as, early on in the tournament, I realised that with Luca Toni possessing all the accuracy of a Daily Mail news report about immigration, he would have trouble scoring if the ball was placed, unguarded, on the goal line) was when, the usually reliable, Buffon spilled a routine long shot and watched gratefully as the ball bounced back off of his post and into his arms.

Extra-time came and went with both sides looking tired and the game opening up slightly, although still neither side looked likely to score and so it was down to penalties.

Bizarrely Spain had previously been involved in 3 other penalty shoot-outs on the 22nd June and had lost all three, whilst the omens looked good for the Italians with them winning their last two shoot-outs including their victory in the World Cup final over France.

Both sides scored their first penalties, but when Casillas saved De Rossi's penalty it looked all over for the Italian's, Senna and Camoranesi then scored their respective kicks before Buffon gave Italy renewed hope as he palmed away Guiza's effort.

However Casillas superbly saved Di Natale's spot-kick and it was left to Cesc Fabregas to clamly slot home the winning penalty, causing the Spanish squad, including the amusingly, childish sounding reserve keeper, Palop, to invade the pitch and envelope the Arsenal man.

So after three fantastic knock-out matches we had our first stinker, but at least the slightly more adventurous Spaniards went through to face Russia in a re-match of their first game of the tournament, that will surely not be a repeat of the 4-1 rout from first time around.

Rampant Russians roll over the dozy Dutch

2008-06-22T01:00:00.001+01:00

The third of this amazing tournament's quarter-finals managed to live up to the high standards set by the previous two, as the impressive Russians, coached impeccably by the Dutch master, Guus Hiddink, overcame the Netherlands in a superb display of attacking football.

With the creative talents of Andrei Arshavin playing in a slightly withdrawn position and the tireless work of Pavlyuchenko up front, Hiddink's men always look more dangerous than Van Basten's team, who despite the majority of them having had eight days rest, looked tired and lethargic compared to the Russians.

The signs were there from the early stages as Russia carved out several early opportunities and at half-time the corner count was 5 to 1 in their favour with Arshavin and Pavlyuchenko both going close.

After the break, the Dutch had a brief spell of pressure mainly thanks to Robin Van Persie who'd come on as a half-time substitute for the ineffectual Dirk Kuyt, Russia's second striker dribbled and passed his way around John Heitinga, who'd come on as a substitute for the understandably distracted Boularhouz, setting Sergei Semik free on the left. The captain's cross was fast and low, leaving Pavlyuchenko a relatively simple job of sidefooting home on the volley.

Russia continued to create chances but like the watching Arsene Wenger's Arsenal, they were guilty of trying to walk the ball into the net and with only 5 minutes of normal time remaining they were made to rue their succession of misses, when Ruud Van Nistelrooy was left virtually unmarked to head home a Wesley Sneijder free-kick.

In the dying seconds there was time for a bizarre incident with the Russian defender, Kolodin, seemingly sent off for a second bookable offence for fouling the increasingly dangerous, Sneijder, which was immediately rescinded by Spanish ref, Lubos Michel, after he consulted with his assistant and decided that the ball had previously gone over the goal line. The sending off would've been incredibly harsh as replays suggested that Kolodin had not made any contact with the Dutch player.

It would've been easy for the Russians to have been dispirited after letting the Dutch off the hook so late on but in extra-time they continued to press forward and with Van Basten having used all three substitutions, the Netherlands looked as if their only hope was to take the match to penalties (although when you are Dutch, with a penalty record similar to England's, this really isn't a great option).

Russia's second goal came when the Man of the Match, Arshavin danced down the left and flighted a tantalising cross over Van der Sar which Torbinski poked in with a deft touch at the far post, sparking the noisy Russian section of the crowd into ecstatic raptures.

The mercurial Arshavin finally got the goal his display deserved when he wrapped it up four minutes from time, latching on to a throw-in and shooting through Van der Sar's legs.

So my tip for tournament were dispatched with relative ease by a very good looking Russian side and so all three quarter finals have been won by the Group runners up and with the losers all showing that having the luxury afforded by qualifying after two matches and being able to rest players is not necessarily a good thing in a tournament where momentum is all important.

Fatih feasts on Turkish Delight

2008-06-21T11:35:00.004+01:00

Well this tournament continues to exceed all expectations with the second quarter final of EURO 2008 managing to surpass the first one for sheer drama, if not quality, as Croatia vs Turkey exploded into life in the final moments after a frankly fairly drab previous 120 minutes during which both teams had pretty much cancelled each other out.

With only one minute of extra-time remaining, the Turkish veteran keeper Rustu, only playing due to Volkan's moment of madness in the final group match against the Czechs when he got sent off for pushing man-mountain Jan Köller, rushed out of his goal to try to beat Luka Modric to the ball, however he was always going to be second and had to scamper back to the goal as the Croatian midfielder's cross found the unmarked Ivan Klasnic, who nodded in to send the tablecloth wearing Croat supporters into ecstasy.

Their joy though was shortlived, as with literally seconds left on the clock, a desperate longball into the Croatian penalty area ended up at the feet of Semih Senturk, who hit a hard and low shot between two defenders to leave Pletikosa an unhappy bystander as the ball hit the net to the astonishment of everyone watching.

Slaven Billic remonstrated with the fourth official as to where the two additional minutes of extra time had come from and at this point it seemed as though there would only be one winner of the penalty shootout, with the Croatians clearly psychologically broken.

And so it proved with Modric, probably Croatia's best player on the night, missing the first penalty. Turkey scored all three of their spotkicks with Arda Turan, Semih and Hamit Altintop all calmly slotting home, with only Srna scoring for Croatia and it was all over when villain turned hero, Rustu, dived to his left to palm out Mladen Petric's effort.

Turkish delight was only matched by the visible shock and distress for the Croatian players, several of whom collapsed onto the Viennese turf in floods of tears. Rustu showed real class in shunning the celebrations to commiserate with each of the opposition players.

So once again the Turks are the 'Comeback Kings' (expect to be sick of this description by the time of their semi-final with Germany) and have defied all expectations (only Austria had longer odds to win the tournament) to reach the last four for the first time in their history.

Herr Flick's mighty Mannschaft brings tears to Ronaldo's eyes

2008-06-19T23:23:00.013+01:00

Well the first match of the knock-out stages, the quarter final between Michael Ballack's Germany and Cristiano Ronaldo's Portugal (copyright Clive-twatting-Tyldesly), continued the tournaments fantastic ratio of great games and goals, with the Germans ominously reaching the semis.

With Jogi Löw (pronounced "Yogi Lurve") banished to the stands, for his bizarre altercation with the fourth official in their final group match gainst Austria, Germany, led by assistant coach Herr Hansi Flick, eased their way past the much fancied Portugeezers, 3-2.

Germany opened the scoring in the 22nd minute, with a superbly worked team goal, top-scorer Lukas Podolski swapping passes with Ballack on the left before squaring for Schweinsteiger (who's girlfriend is pictured above, lucky bugger) to hit a low shot past Ricardo.

Only four minutes had elapsed before Germany had a second, this time Goldenboy Ronaldo neglecting his defensive duties to leave an unchallenged Miroslav Klose a simple header from man-of-the-match, Schweinsteiger's free-kick.

Portugal did manage to give themselves a lifeline just before half-time when the generally useless striker and contender, alongside Fernando Torres, for the most feminine looking player of the tournament, Nuno Gomes, slotted home after goalkeeping mentalist Lehmann had saved Ronaldo's shot.

After the re-start Germany continued to look the stronger of the two teams as Portugal wasted possession with a succession of long range efforts that only troubled the crowd.

Whilst attacking play, especially lightening quick counter-attacks, has been a pleasing feature of this tournament, it's also been notable for appallingly bad defending particularly at set-pieces and this ultimately proved to be Portugal's undoing with Ballack heading home from another Schweinsteiger free-kick in the 62nd minute.

In Portugal's defence there was more than a hint of a shove by Ballack on Paulo Ferriera which was unseen by the referee, a point made vociferously by "Big" Phil Scolari on the touchline, although he did look more like he was doing a "Just like that" Tommy Cooper impersonation.

Portugal did make a bit of a game of it and gave the German's a tense finish when deadly ex-Spurs hitman, Helder Postiga, headed in a Nani cross, however Germany held on to progress through to the semi-finals to potentially set up a re-match with Croatia.

For all the brilliant play of Portugal, the Netherlands, Spain, Croatia and Russia, it's starting to look as if the traditionally slow starting powerhouses of Germany and Italy could well sneak it to the final, I certainly wouldn't bet against it.

Round up of the final group matches

2008-06-18T23:29:00.000+01:00

Well we're through to the knock-out stages and the final round of the group stages threw up some excellent matches even though all four group winners had already been decided thanks to UEFA's use of 'head to head' results rather than goal difference to decide between teams on equal points.

It was also great that only two teams, Switzerland and the reigning champs, Greece, had been definitely eliminated with one match to play.

In the games that truly mattered Germany, in Group B, laboured to a none too impressive 1-0 victory over co-hosts Austria who played the better football but looked as if they could've carried on playing until EURO 2012 and still not scored a goal. They were beaten by an absolute screamer of a freekick from Michael Ballack, who in the words of Alan Partridge, looked as if he had a 'foot like a traction engine'.

Whilst Germany were limping into the quarter finals, group winners Croatia fielded a weakened team but were still able to overpower the Poles in Klagenfurt.

Group A saw the game of the tournament, although to be honest it was only the astonishing last 15 minutes that lifted it above the ordinary, as Turkey became the "comeback kings" overturning a 2-0 deficit to defeat the Czech Republic 3-2 with Petr "Best Goalkeeper in the World" Cech literally dropping a clanger for the dangerous Nihat to make it 2-2 with a few minutes to go. He then went one better a few minutes later when he buried a one-on-one with great aplomb to send the Turkish fans into raptures.

Over in Basel the Swiss restored some pride by beating the Portugeezers B team, 2-0, with the pleasingly named Hakan Yakin getting his second and third goals of the tournament, although even this and the Czech's defeat still didn't prevent them from finishing bottom of the group.

Group C (or 'THE GROUP OF DEATH') had the biggest focus on it going into the final round as at least one of the World Cup finalists from 2006 was going to leave the tournament with their tail between their legs. The permutations were so complex that the BBC got Gary Lineker to explain it to us in the manner of a teacher explaining quantum string theory to a grop of special needs children with ADHD.

In the end it was Italy who progressed, beating an extremely poor France side 2-0 even though up front for the Italians, Luca Toni looked as if he couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo the size of Switzerland. The French were hampered by an early injury to Ribery and the fact that Domenech was clearly, completely and utterly useless, I really think that even Steve McClaren could've done a better job with that team. The only downside for the World Champs was losing both Pirlo and Gattuso for the quarter finals due to getting their second cautions of the tournament.

In the other match, where Italy and France had hinted there could be a stitch up with the Dutch deliberately losing to the Romanians in order to eliminate both of them, it proved to be a walk in the park for the Netherlands as Romania never really showed any desire to get the win that they needed. A second string Dutch team waltzed ever closer to the final in Vienna with goals from Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Robin Van Persie, the Netherlands finishing the group with 9 goals scored by seven different players.

Finally in Group D, the Russians, lead by wünderkind Arshavin, who'd returned to the team following his two match suspension (and with striker, Pavlyuchenko and midfielder, Zhirkov looking particularly dangerous), tore the Swedes a new one and really should've won by more than 2-0, the Swedes really looking the tired and aging side that they are.

In the meaningless rubber, Spain came from behind to beat Greece, 2-1, with reserve striker, Daniel Guiza, heading in the late, late winner. At least the pointless Greeks went home with a goal to their credit, a typical set-piece header from central defender, Angelos Charisteas, meaning that every team in the tournament has scored at least once.

So the quarter finals line up as follows;

Portugal vs Germany (Basel), with the Germans hoping to avenge their hammering in their terrible EURO 2000 campaign.

Croatia vs Turkey (Vienna), the match up of the relative underdogs, although with Croatia beating favourites Germany in the group stages and, of course, having beaten England twice in the qualifiers, expect ITV to continue to big them up as if they were a combination of Brazil 1970 and the 1960's Real Madrid team.

Netherlands vs Russia (Basel), a re-match of the 1988 Euro final, this should be a cracker of a match with two technically excellent teams who play fast counter-attacking football, so expect a boring 0-0 with Russia to go through on penalties.

Spain vs Italy (Vienna), so the Spanish face their ultimate bête noir, the Italians, will they finally show a spine in a major tournament for the first time since 1964 or will they crumble psychologically allowing a, frankly quite poor, Italy team to progress to the semis?

BBC pundit chastised for enjoying EURO 2008

2008-06-18T11:36:00.007+01:00

The BBC have controversially given Aston Villa manager and Raymond Domenech lookalike, Martin O’Neill a written warning for breaking British broadcasting guidelines and stating that EURO 2008 has been ‘bloody brilliant’ without England’s talentless, overhyped, leaden footed, retards stinking up the tournament.

The hyperactive Ulster loon has been seen by viewers baffling his two perma-tanned, idiotic colleagues, Alans, Hansen and Shearer, by actively enjoying the quality of the football and even discussing the tactics employed by the foreign coachs rather than huffily criticising the likes of Austria and Poland for not having any players of the quality of Michael Carrick or Jermaine Jenas.

Despite Lineker and co’s attempts to distract England supporters by crow barring in as many references to the Premier League as possible, with any player having a good game, no matter what nationality, being a potential transfer target for the likes of Fulham or Hull City, and all British commentators being contractually obliged to use the FA approved nomenclature such as Cristiano Ronaldo’s Portugal and England’s conquerors Croatia, apparently some English football fans have actually been enjoying the tournament.

It's all hotting up - review of the 2nd round of matches

2008-06-15T23:35:00.002+01:00

Wow, the second round of matches really has seen this tournament explode into life, proving that it really isn't necessary for the English members of the 'Best League in the World' (TM) to be present for there to be great footballing entertainment.

The Netherlands (as I've found out we're supposed to call the Dutch rather than 'Holland', which is a western region of the Netherlands) continued to show why experts, such as myself, have been tipping them for greatness, by thumping the losing World Cup finalists, France, 4-1 in another superb display of lightening quick counterattacking football.

France really looked the aging hasbeens and neverweres that they are, with Domenech clearly not sure of his best XI, perhaps the astrological omens have not been clear enough?

The Netherlands have now scored 7 goals and conceded only one in two games against the supposed top two teams in the world from 2006 meaning that they've already clinched the top spot in the GROUP OF DEATH and can presumably rest players for their last match against Romania.

Elsewhere in Group C Italy clung onto their EURO 2008 lives thanks to the fingertips (and right foot) of Gianluigi Buffon as he saved a late Adrian Mutu penalty to give the Azzuri their first point of the Championships. The Romanians now need to win against the Dutch to progress at the expense of both the Italians and the French, the probability of this will greatly depend on how seriously the Dutch take the final match and Italian suggestions of a "biscuit" (à la EURO 2004 and the great Scandanavian Stitch up where the 2-2 draw between Denmark and Sweden saw them go through at the expense of Italy) could well fire them up.

In Group A, Cristiano Ronaldo's Portugal (copyright ITV Sport) beat the Czech Republic in a cracking match which coupled with the Turks injury time winner against the unfortunate Swiss means that they win the group.

Switzerland became the first team eliminated (at least they don't have to fly home and face being pelted with rotten fruit as they leave the plane) after losing 2-1 in a match that clearly should've been abandoned due to the ridiculous amount of water on the St Jakob-Park pitch, this despite the fantastically named Hakan Yakin scoring a crackin' tap in.

These results mean that Turkey face the Czechs in a winner takes all last match which could go to penalties (a first for a group match) due to their identical standings in the group.

Group B saw Croatia deservedly beat pre-tournament favourites, Germany, and re-confirm their standing as a lot of people's dark horses, Srna and Olic scoring before Lucas Podolski briefly gave the Mannshaft (is that really the German's nickname for their national team?) hope of a scraping a draw 11 minutes from time before Bastian 'Pig Climber' Schweinstieger got himself sent off for stupidly raising his hands to push Croatian substitute, Leko Jerko.

In the other match, Austria earned a draw against Poland despite protests about their injury time penalty which was awarded by English ref, Howard Webb. Quite why the Polish defenders didn't heed Webb's warning about shirt pulling and pushing 30 seconds before the penalty was awarded is a mystery but, of course, Leo Beenhakker and his players would rather make the referee the scapegoat, this despite the officials erroneously allowing the Poland goal to stand even though scorer, Roger Guerriero, was clearly in an offside position.

Lastly in Group D, Russia eliminated the over-cautious reigning champs, Greece, with a 1-0 victory secured thanks to a rush of blood by goalkeeper and Philip Schofield look-a-like, Antonis Nikopolidis, which allowed Konstantin Zyryanov to sidefoot Sergei Semak's athletic cross into the empty net.

The Spaniards continued to show their early promise by edging past Sweden in a close fought encounter, 2-1, David Villa scoring Spain's winner and his 4th of the tournament in injury time, adding to Torres's opener and making Zlatan Ibrahimovic's goal academic.

So after the second round it's the Netherlands, Portugal, Spain and perhaps surprisingly, Croatia who are setting the early pace and have all qualified for the knockout phase with a game to spare.

UEFA liven up potentially drab match by submerging pitch

2008-06-12T13:56:00.006+01:00

After concerns expressed by representatives from the BBC, (mainly "shining wit" Gary Lineker) that no-one would want to watch the, less than, glamorous Switzerland vs Turkey match, UEFA last night controversially decided to flood the pitch at the St Jakob-Park stadium in Basel with 1.2 million gallons of water in an effort to provide much needed encouragement for British TV viewers to tune in.

Proposals to make the players wear huge novelty lederhosen and oversized football boots made from foam rubber were rejected when officials from the Turkish FA lead by coach, Fatty Terim, claimed that they would give the Swiss team containing Philippe Senderos an unfair advantage.

At a hastily convened press briefing this morning, tournament spokesman, Hans Gunter Schweinhund, said that the experiment had been "150% successful" and that viewer ratings in the UK had shot up as people realised that watching Swiss striker Hakin Yakin miss open goals, defenders being able to do 20 yard sliding tackles and with the new lightweight "Nike Penny Floater" ball holding up in the middle of massive goalmouth puddles causing the sort of mad scrambles not usually seen outside of a Primark sale in Croydon, was much more enjoyable that the complete twat-fest of "The Apprentice" on BBC1.

However the official would neither confirm nor deny the rumour that plans are in place for today's Austria vs Poland match to be played on a local ice hockey rink with the players being forced to wear giant foam heads representing former UEFA Presidents, although sources close to the tournament organisers have hinted that the final decision would be dependent upon the availabilty of ex-It's a Knockout presenter, Stuart Hall.

Early doors - the 1st round of matches

2008-06-11T11:33:00.011+01:00

Well we've now seen all of the teams play and after a slow start the tournament seems to be coming to life with the quickest teams packed full of relative youngsters, Holland, Portugal and Spain, showing the value of fast, counter-attacking football and winning relatively comfortably (although both Italy and Russia were slightly unlucky to end up on the wrong side of absolute gubbings).

Thanks to the Dutch demolition of World Champions, Italy, I'm currently feeling quite smug about my prediction for them to win the whole kaboodle, although they were lucky not to concede (Italy had several clear cut chances) and will need to defend better if they are to go all the way.

Of course every tournament has to have it's controversy and Ruud "goalhanger" Van Nistelrooy's opening goal against the Italians has provided a much needed talking point to keep the plethora of pundits in business.

As he scored, Ruud looked a mile offside but unfortunately for Italy, defender Panucci, despite lying off the pitch, having been clattered by his own goalkeeper, the almost appropriately named Buffon, was considered to be 'active' and playing the Dutch striker onside, much to BBC pundit, Lee Dixon's consternation.

Despite having the ruling explained to him in words of no more than one syllable, Dixon just wouldn't accept that the goal was rightly allowed, personally I would've assumed that as a former member of Arsenal's infamous offside trap, Dixon would've been an expert on the offside law. Also it was bizarre to see him quite happy for Fabregas's goal (Spain's 4th against Russia) to stand despite the Arsenal player (hmmmm...) clearly standing in an offside position when the Russian goalkeeper parried Xavi's initial shot.

Sartorially the Dutch have decided to offset their vivid orange shirts with some sky blue socks that they appear to have borrowed from those midlands giants, Coventry City, perhaps hoping to invoke the spirit of FA Cup winning skipper, Brian "Killer" Kilcline.

They also seem to have shirt numbers made from bits of masking tape, although this is preferable to the "lego" numbers that several teams, including the normally stylish Italians, have gone with.

Spain eased past Russia convincingly although the Russians did create a few chances that better teams would've converted, so we could well see a repeat of the last World Cup for Spain, i.e. big win in their first match, qualification from group followed by defeat to the first decent team they meet in the knockout stages , in 2006 it was France.

In Villa and Torres the Spanish clearly have the best striking partnership and will be relying on them to score more goals than their slightly suspect defence concedes.

Subtle, or not so subtle kit changes seem to be a bit of a feature of this tournament, with Portugal swapping their traditional maroon shirts for much lighter red ones and discarding their green shorts for red (although I think they may've done this for the last World Cup). The new kit though didn't seem to hamper them as they played some nice football to turn the Turks over 2-0, with the rest of the Portugeezers reminding everyone that they are not a one man team (eg. Garth Crooks interviewing one of the players immediately after their win and asking whether he thought that Ronaldo would stay at Manchester United, ffs!).

Germany appeared to live up to their billing as pre-tournament favourites in rolling over the Poles fairly comfortably and the Czech's huffed and puffed their way to a win over hosts Switzerland, who were unlucky not to at least get a draw and also to lose captain and inspirational striker, Frei, for the rest of the tournament (i.e. two games for the Swiss). The Czech's will need to improve considerably if they are to get anything from Portugal later today.

The reigning Champions, Greece, couldn't hold out again the aging Swedes despite their back four (or was it a back eight?) playing keep ball from early on in the 2nd half, goal shy Zlatan Ibrahimovic scoring a cracker (SHIT! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!) to open the Swedes account.

Elsewhere the Croats were rather fortunate to beat the co-hosts, Austria, in a fairly dull match and without Arsenal's Eduardo they look to be rather toothless upfront.

Lastly and, almost certainly, leastly France vs Romania managed to turn the GROUP OF DEATH into the Group of Dearth with their nil-nil draw being quite possibly the worst match in the history of the European Championships. Romania got the draw that they were clearly playing for (although quite how they think they'll beat either Italy or Holland playing like that I don't know) and France looking completely out-of-sorts.

If Romania had shown any sort of attacking instinct then my prediction for an upset by them may've come true.

Liking - Spain and the Netherlands for their fluid fast flowing pass-and-move football. Italy getting twatted especially with a contentious opening goal. The overhead camera shots that make matches look like an updated version of top Commodore Amiga game, "Sensible Soccer".

Disliking - The BBC and ITV's need to link everything to the Premier League and English football. Lee Dixon as a pundit, utterly useless, he makes Man of God, Gavin Peacock, seem like a footballing Einstein.

Sweden

2008-06-09T13:41:00.003+01:00

Bring up the rear of Group D it's the porn loving Swedes with their revolutionary new Ikea inspired defensive unit, the flat-pack four.

Sweden

Official coach slogan - Sweden's dream = what a team!

Unofficial coach slogan - Sweden's dream = a sauna + a smorgasbord of blonde beauties.

Coached by master tactician, Lars Lagerback, Sweden have qualified for their 5th successive tournament and having been drawn in a relatively easy group will be expecting to at least make it to the quarter-finals.

The Swedes will be stereotypically well-organised and difficult to break down (which should make their opening match against Greece a EURO classic) whilst creatively they will be relying on the mercurial talents of overrated big game bottler, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and aging goalscorer, Henrik Larrson, who has been persuaded out of retirement for, surely, his last hurrah.

In midfield they will look to the now creaky (and injury prone) underpants model, Freddie Ljungberg, with speedy winger, Christian Wilhelmsson of Deportivo La Coruna, hopefully providing some much needed pace.

TC's predicition - To narrowly miss out on 2nd place and qualification for the latter stages to the Russians.

Player who most sounds like a magical incantation by the Great Suprendo - Ex-Arsenal reserve keeper, Rami Shaaban.

Spain

2008-06-08T20:14:00.010+01:00

Thirdly in Group D it's everyone's favourite big tournament chokers and perennial dark horses, Spain.

Spain

Official coach slogan - Whatever happens, SPAIN FOREVER!

Unofficial coach slogan - Whatever happens, Spain forever f***s it up!

Paranoid, conspiracy obsessed underachievers, Spain will be hoping to end 44 years of hurt by winning their first major Championship since EURO '64 in Madrid.

Led by racist idiot Luis Aragonés, the Spaniards will be hoping that they can swim against the tide of history and fulfil the potential that their talented squad undoubtedly has, featuring, as if does, several Premier league household names (as the England obsessed BBC and ITV pundits will continually point out) including Liverpool top scorer, the incredibly feminine looking Fernando Torres.

In midfield Spain look to be particularly strong with Cesc Fabregas, Xabi Alonso and Andrés Iniesta supplying the ammunition for top guns Torres and David Villa.

Potentially one of the most creative and aethetically pleasing teams in the tournament, Aragonés has recently encouraged his players to be more pragmatic insisting that "sometimes you just have to hoof it" the worry being that Spain, for all their attacking skills have never mastered the ability to 'win ugly' like their latin cousins, Italy.

TC's prediction - They will shine brightly before being knocked out in the semis.

Player who tabloid headline writers would most love to secure a transfer to Manchester United - Real Madrid loanee and Getafe midfielder, Rubén de la Red.

Russia

2008-06-07T20:16:00.006+01:00

Second up in Group D it's the pesky Ruskies, the other team along with Croatia to qualify at the expense of the hapless England team.

Russia

Official coach slogan - Russian hands are all for one, Russia is proud of her sons.

Unofficial coach slogan - If you don't let us win we will turn off your gas!

Russian football has ungone an unlikely transformation in recent years mainly thanks to an influx of Roubles from various dodgy sources (yes Comrade Abramovitch, I'm looking at you), with Russian teams increasingly making an impact in European competition, albeit mainly in the UEFA Cup (Zenit St Petersberg this year, under Dick Advocaat, joining fellow Russians CSKA Moscow as winners).

Under another well travelled Dutchman, Guus Hiddink, the traditionally under-achieving national team has also improved and despite mixed results in the qualifiers they were good enough to edge past a pathetically inept England and secure the 2nd qualifying spot behind Croatia.

The veteran Dutch coach has a great record in international football having previously led Holland and South Korea to the World Cup semi-finals (in 1998 and 2002) and Australia to the knockout round in 2006 and will be looking to take the Russians to at least the quater-finals.

With few genuine superstars (virtually all of the squad play their football in the domestic league), organisation and teamwork will be the order of the day, they are liable to line up in a typically Dutch style 3-5-2, deploying pacey wide players Aleksandr Anyukov and Vladimir Bystrov on the flanks of a technically strong midfield.

TC's prediction - To surprise a few people and qualify from a tight group, only to be beaten in a hard fought quarter-final.

Player who most sounds like a waxing service for hisuite men - Russian golden boy striker, Andrei Arshavin.

Greece

2008-06-06T11:28:00.008+01:00

At last we're into the final strait, Group D (aka the Group of Much of a Muchness) containing Russia, Spain, Sweden and first up, the surprise Champions from last time out, Greece.

Greece

Official coach slogan - One team, one dream!

Unofficial coach slogan - One-nil, one-nil, one-nil, all the way to the final!

The Greeks, led, as they were four years ago, by the canny German, Otto Rehhegal, proved in Portugal 2004 that a well drilled team, playing in a very defined shape and with the correct tactics can defeat teams who are supposedly far ahead in terms of skill and containing well known "superstars", albeit by playing in a stifling, negative manner.

Although they romped through their qualification group, gaining a record-breaking 31 points (and this despite losing 4-1 in Athens to their old enemies, Turkey) expectations will be lower this time around and with an aging team reaching the knock out stages will be a major achievement.

If their winning tactics from EURO 2004 are any guide, Greece will mainly be relying on a strictly defensive 4-5-1 formation and any attacking intent is likely to come from setpieces, where their huge defenders Traianos Dellas (6ft 5in), Paraskevas Antzas (6ft 2in) and Sotirios Kyrgiakos (6ft 4in) will be a constant menace.

Upfront the goal threat will mostly come from Bayer Leverkusen striker, Theofanis Gekas, who managed 11 Bundesliga goals in a stop start season as well as getting 5 goals in qualification .

TC's predicition - The Greeks will struggle in a relatively strong group and won't progress through to the quarter-finals despite being unbeaten (3 draws).

Player most liable to cause Dutch commentators to spit all over the place - Rising star and left-back, Vassilis Torosidis.

Romania

2008-06-06T01:48:00.005+01:00

Lastly in the Group C, the, almost certain to be overlooked until they spring a potential banana skin (can you spring a banana skin?), Romanians.

Romania

Official coach slogan - Romania, we are proud of you and love you!

Unofficial coach slogan - Romania, fangs for the memories (Oh come on! Give me a break, have you seen how late it was when I wrote this?)

Bizarrely paired up with fellow group qualifiers Holland, similarly to the French and the Italians, in what could be called the Group of Familiarity (but won't be because everyone is contractually obliged by UEFA to call it the GROUP OF DEATH), the Romanians won't be expecting too much from a desperately unlucky draw despite having easily qualified for the tournament with two games to spare.

European cup winning striker (with Steau Bucharest in 1986), Victor Piturca, is in charge of the team for his second spell, having previously led them to the EURO 2000 Finals before being unceremoniously sacked prior to the start of the tournament.

The golden days of World Cup '94 seem a lifetime ago now and Romania lack any player even approaching the class of the sublimely talented, left footed maestro, Georghi Hagi ("the Maradonna of the Carpathians", why are English players never nicknamed after mountain ranges? Maybe Beckham could've been the "Maradonna of the Downs"?).

Captain, Cristian Chivu, who started his career at Ajax but has also played most of his career in Italy for Roma and now Inter Milan, and former Chelsea cokehead, Adrian Mutu, are the closest to bone fide stars, but Romania will be hoping to learn from Greece's example four years again and show that a well drilled team can overcome the individual talents of the group's 'Big Three'.

TC's prediction - A surprise win against the French but glorious failure versus the Italians and an heartbreakingly late narrow defeat by the Dutch in the final game, will mean that the Romanians will miss out on a quarter-final berth.

Player most likely to cause 'hilarity' when Lawro realises his name sounds a bit like his commentating chum - Reserve centre-half, Cosmin Moti.

Holland

2008-06-06T01:00:00.007+01:00

Next up in Group C we have everyone's favourite Orangemen, the guardians of 'Total Football' and perpetual self destructive squabblers, the Dutch.

Holland

Official coach slogan - One mission, one feeling, together we are Orange!

Unofficial coach slogan - Together we will struggle... sometimes literally.

Contrary to their national stereotype as laidback and easy going, the Dutch will be anxious to avoid elimination in the Group stage of a tournament at which they are expected to do well.

With the team overseen by legendary goalscorer from their only previous tournament success, in EURO '88, Marco Van Basten, the Netherlands will be hoping to make it into the knockout stages at the very least.

With most of the team familiar to British football supporters (11 out of the 23 man squad currently play for or have previously played for English or Scottish Premier League teams), the Oranje look to have a very experienced squad, with goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Sar making his fourth appearance at a European Championship having recently broken his penalty shoot-out hoodoo with Manchester United in the Champions League final (he's twice lost with the Dutch on pens in previous tournaments).

They have been surprisingly defensive in qualification, having only conceded 5 goals in 12 matches, whilst goals have been fairly scarce (they only just beat perennial whipping boys, Luxembourg, 1-0 at home) and much of the scoring responsibility will rest on cheating, horse faced, Real Madrid striker, Ruud Van Nistelrooy (I still haven't forgiven him for a dive at Portman Road which, with the converted penalty, all but confirmed Ipswich's relegation in 2001).

TC's prediction - I have a strange feeling that 20 years on from their historic win in Germany, Marco Van Basten could become the first person to win the tournament as both a player and a coach.

Player who most sounds like a 1950's gay porn star - Aston Villa defender, Wilfred Bouma.

Italy

2008-06-03T02:29:00.005+01:00

Secondly in Group C we come to reigning World Champions and fair-play specialists, the stylish sophisticates of Italy.

Italy

Official coach slogan - The sky is always bluer!

Unofficial coach slogan - The Azzuri always win when the year ends in scandal.

Coached by the surprise choice to replace the experienced World Cup winning Marcello Lippi, prematurely greying ex-midfield tyro Roberto Donnadoni, the Italians will be one of the red hot favourites for EURO 2008 glory, despite being reacquainted with France and thrust into the GROUP OF DEATH also containing the dangerous Dutchies and the ruthless Romanians.

The spawny Italian's will be hoping to repeat their success in this tournament from 40 years ago, when they fluked their way past the Russians in the semi-final by winning on the toss of a coin and prevailed in the final only after a replay against the Yugoslavians.

Defensive masters, they will be disappointed to have lost captain and spiritual leader, Fabio Cannevaro to an ankle injury, and so may be forced to play a slightly more expansive game, although probably not, especially with thuggish enforcer "Rhino" Gattuso protecting the back four.

With the retirement of Francesco Totti ("he looks like a little tw*t" - Ron Atkinson), much will be expected, creatively, of Milan's Andrea Pirlo, who's defence splitting passes and accurate freekicks were a highlight of the last World Cup.

Upfront the Italians have the experience of Alessandro Del Piero, who will most likely be brought off the bench if big lump, Luca Toni, fails to batter his way through the opposition's rearguard alongside belmfaced self-wedgie giver, Antonio Cassano.

TC's prediction - Italy will be there or thereabouts come the final reckoning, possibly losing in a semi-final shootout with Del Piero doing a Roberto Baggio and blasting the final spotkick into orbit.

Player who's surname most sounds like a type of pasta - Sampdoria striker, Fabio Quagliarella.

France

2008-06-03T02:16:00.006+01:00

Right this is more like it, welcome to the first preview for Group C (aka 'the Group of Complete and Utter Total Annihilation'). Every tournament throws up a 'Group of Death' and this is the big one for EURO 2008 containing World Cup Finalists (but strangely Celto-phobic) France, World Champs, Italy, eternal nearly men, Holland and the not-to-shabby Romania.

France

Official coach slogan - Live together, celebrate together

Unofficial coach slogan - Franck Ribery, the unacceptable face of football!

Under hugely unpopular, astrologically obsessed loon (Everybody Loves) Raymond Domenech, the French are expected to be one of the front runners at this year's tournament after surprisingly getting to the final of the last World Cup. However with sagittarian hating Domenech (he supposedly picks players according to their starsign) at the helm, the aging French squad may find this a Championship too far, especially as they struggled to qualify from their group (losing home AND away to the Scots FFS!) and being paired with their conquerors of 2006, the Italians once again.

This time out they are missing World Cup 2006 inspiration and in no way brother of a prostitute, Zinedine "Stitch this pal" Zidane, so will be relying on Bayern München's pretty boy, Kaiser Franck Ribery, to pull the strings and supply whichever traditionally Gallic sulker or sulkers that Domenech elects to play upfront (it may come down to a shrug off between big game bottlers, Thierry Henry and Nicolas Anelka, with 2000 Golden Goal scorer David Trezeuget surprisingly left out of the squad despite scoring 21 goals in the Italian league this season...against Italian defenders...in a Group containing World Champions Italy...go figure).

TC's prediction - I expect France to have a bit of a nightmare, à la World Cup 2002, and predict them to finish bottom of the GROUP OF DEATH after being surprisingly beaten by the Romulans in their opening game.

Player who most sounds like the spamcatcher avoiding pseudonym for e-mails advertising counterfeit Viagra - Experienced right-back, Willy Sagnol.

Poland

2008-06-03T01:32:00.005+01:00

Lastly in Group B we have the Poles, the team that, along with the Austrians probably have the lowest expectations of anyone despite finishing top of their qualifying group ahead of the much fancied (especially by themselves) Portugeezers (it will catch on, believe me).

Poland

Official coach slogan - Because only sport and good fun counts!

Unofficial coach slogan - Rula Lenska is our flame haired inspiration.

Under the veteran Dutch coach Leo Beenhakker, 87, Polish football has undergone a bit of a renaissance, especially as despite their relative success in World Cups (albeit mostly in the seventies and eighties), this is their first time at a European Championships Finals.

Hailed as a genius for his achievements, 'King' Leo was recently voted 'Polish Man of the Year' narrowly pipping Mr Sheen to the title, and a lot rests on his ability to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear if the Poles are to write their names in the history books (certainly, given the complexity of most of them, no-one else is going to write them).

Despite lacking in virtually all areas, the Poles do have strength in depth between the sticks, continuing the fine tradition of ace Polish keepers which includes wobbly legged, Bruce Grobbelaar impersonator and Champions League winner, Jerzy Dudek, bane of England in 1973 and part-time children's entertainer, Jan Tomaszewski and also Karol Josef Wojtyla, aka dead Pope John Paul Ringo George II. Unfortunately FIFA's ruling that allows only one man between the sticks means that Beenhakker will probably go with Celtic's number 1, Artur Boruc, leaving the Manchester United and Arsenal number 2's, Tomas Kuszczak and Lucasz Fabianski, on the bench.

TC's prediction - They may scrape a draw in the opening match against the Germans and get a result versus Austria meaning that they finish a creditable 3rd in the group.

Player who most sounds like a former "Pop Idol" contestant's rubbish automobile - Versatile defender, Dariusz Dudka.

Germany

2008-06-03T01:30:00.007+01:00

Next we come to one of the genuine big guns of international football, the Germans, all of Europe's favourite second team and one that I'm sure most England fans will be wishing well from the comfort of their armchairs.

Germany

Official coach slogan - Germany - one team - one purpose

Unofficial coach slogan - Doing it for the Hoff!

Surprisingly the Germans come into this European Championship having not won a match at the tournament since the final of EURO '96 (it's true, I had to look it up but it is true!) when they beat the Czech Republic with a 'Golden Goal'. Last time out they were embarrassingly held to a nil-nil draw by the mighty Latvian's and in 2000, even more embarrassingly, they were beaten by an England team containing New York jazz combo, the Neville brothers.

However after 2006's relatively successful World Cup campaign (although it seemed strange for the Germans to be happy with being beaten semi-finalists, especially as they were the host nation, who are they? England?) and coached by Jürgen Klinsmann's number 2, Joachim Löw, expectations are high (see what I did there?).

The current German team seems to live up to the old Teutonic stereotype of being ruthlessly efficient but they appear to be adding a certain amount of flair, they broke European Championship records when they blitzed poor little San Marino 13-0 away from home and, the joint hosts apart, were the first nation to qualify.

Most of the team will be familiar from the last World Cup (indeed Löw has been criticised for being unimaginative in his selections) although there is controversy over who will take the number 1 jersey after ex-Arsenal psycho-keeper, Jens Lehmann, had a bit of a 'Robinson' in a recent friendly versus Belarus, gifting them both goals in a 2-2 draw, so don't be surprised to see him kicking his heels on the bench and looking on dagger's drawn, as Robert Enke or Renée Adler keep him out of the team.

Upfront they will be looking for more goals from Polish born Miroslav Klöse, who despite looking as though he wouldn't be out of place in Championship team most of the time, has scored 5 goals in each of the last two World Cups, something that no-one else has ever achieved.

The midfield quartet will be full of experience, Chelsea's Champions League loser, Michael Ballack (ha! ha!), most likely joining Törsten Frings (the tabloid headline writer's best friend) in the middle, with Victor comic character, Bastien Schweinsteiger (literally translated as "Bastien Pig Mounter") and Villa reject Thomas Hitzlsperger taking the wide spots.

TC's prediction - The German's seem to be very much a team rather than a collection of supposed 'superstars' and it would be a big surprise if they didn't make at least the semi-finals.

Player with the most Un-Teutonic name ever to play for the Fatherland - Exciting new goalscoring prospect Mario Gomez.

Croatia

2008-06-03T01:29:00.007+01:00

Second up in Group B is table cloth wearing and bane of England's inept qualification attempt, Croatia.

Croatia

Official coach slogan - With the fans to the top of Europe

Unofficial coach slogan - Are you watching En-ger-land?

Lead by ex-Toffee and West Ham player, heavy metal rock star and close personal friend of Laurent Blanc (they became mates after the World Cup semi-final in 1998), Slaven Bilic, the Croatians will be looking to surprise a few pundits who thought that the country had had it's moments in the spotlight during the mid to late '90's.

They qualified easily from a frankly piss poor group, winning fairly comfortably at Wembley in the last game despite having already been crowned group winners.

A well balanced and technically very proficient team (i.e. unlike England they have left footed players in the team and can play 10 yard passes to feet) their only real weakness looks to be up front, especially after losing the prolific goalscoring (10 goals in 12 qualifiers) of Arsenal's Eduardo (as he is contractually obliged to be called). However, if other teams field their own national versions of Scott Carson he may not be missed too much.

With Arsenal's Eduardo sidelined, the Premier League-centric media will be concentrating their attention on Tottenham's new £16 million acquisition, Luka Modric, who plays in a deep lying attacking role similar to previous Spurs superstar, the hugely successful Sergei Rebrov along with FA Cup winning, howitzer footed, Pompey midfield ace, Nico Kranjcar and Man City's underrated fullback, Verdan Corluka.

TC's prediction - To qualify relatively easily from the group and possibly even snatch top spot from the Germans.

Player who most sounds like a mastabatory discharge - Holding midfielder Jerko Leko.

Austria

2008-06-03T01:26:00.010+01:00

Welcome to the first of my previews for Group B (aka 'The Group of Fairly Severe Contusions') containing the second of the joint hosts, Austria, along with conquerors of England, Croatia, the ever dangerous Germany and first time Euro qualifiers, Poland.

Austria

Official coach slogan - Only together we can win...!

Unofficial coach slogan - The hills are alive with the sound of losing.

With a nation less than fully behind them (in a recent survey the majority of the population voted for the team to be withdrawn from the tournament) expectations are not so much low as subterranean for the progress of an Austrian team currently floundering at 101st in the FIFA world rankings (below such notable footballing luminaries as Cyprus, Equatorial Guinea and New Zealand).

Their lowly ranking, coupled with a mediocre and relatively unexperienced squad, means that two time coach, Josef Hickersberger, who was sacked first time around for losing 1-0 to the Faroe Isles during the qualifiers for EURO '92, really does have his work cut out and finishing anywhere other than bottom of the group will be seen as success.

Arguably their 'star' player is Emaneul Pogatetz, who plays for Middlesbrough, which pretty much says all you need to say about the Austrian team, although youthful captain , Andreas Ivanschitz, despite the lavatorial surname, is nicknamed "The Austrian Beckham" (although "The Beckham of the Alps" would be better) presumably because he has a stick thin, talentless wife.

TC's prediction - Like Elizabeth Fritzl, Austria will spend most of the tournament locked in the cellar of Group B.

Player who most sounds like a Joe Pesci outburst at a Church service gone wrong - Left midfielder and ace goatee wearer, Christian Fuchs.

Turkey

2008-06-02T16:15:00.021+01:00

Lastly and probably, leastly in Group A, we come to Turkey, featuring one of only two English born players in the tournament, Leytonstone lad Kazim Kazim (known to Bury, Brighton and Sheffield United fans as "Colin").

If you don't know the other English born player, then you obviously weren't paying attention during the last World Cup, I'll tell you at the end of this blog.

Turkey

Official coach slogan - Would passion of Turkey fit into this bus? (I swear I am not making these up!)

Unofficial coach slogan - As long as the ****ing Greeks don't fluke it again we'll be reasonably happy!

Coached, for the second time (he was coach in EURO '96 when they lost all three matches) by former international defender and Bad Manners inspiration, "lip up" Fatih Terim, the Turks come into the tournament having scraped through their Group, narrowly pipping the Norwegians to 2nd place behind reigning champs, Greece (even 4 years on that still looks wrong doesn't it?), thanks to a couple of scrappy results at the end of a faltering qualification campaign.

They look to lack quality in all departments (especially upfront) and it'll be a surprise if they make it through to the knock out stages as they seem to have gone backwards since their surprise semifinal appearance in World Cup 2002 (which is pundit speak for "look I don't have a bloody clue who any of them are, apart from the English bloke, that Colin Richards fella, the funny goalie that wears the make up and the one that played occasionally for Newcastle, whatsisname? Emre? Yeah...that's the bunny", what do you mean that's his first name and that there are three Emres?).

TC's prediction - If they were featured in an American school yearbook they would be the team most likely to finish bottom of their Group.

Player most likely to induce terrible Star Trek inspired puns from Mark Lawrenson - Goalkeeper Volkan Demirel.

Oh and the other English born player is Ashton-under-Lyme lad and World Cup winner, Simone Perotta of Italy.

Switzerland

2008-06-01T13:26:00.013+01:00

Bienvenue, Wilkommen, Bonjourno, as the multilingual Swiss might say, to the third of my Group A previews, this time for the nation that is famed for it's holey cheese, it's triangular pointy chocolate and hoarding Nazi gold whilst maintaining it's neutrality, joint hosts Switzerland.

Switzerland

Official coach slogan - Final Destination: Vienna (the least

popular of the Hollywood horror movie franchise).

Unofficial coach slogan - Switzerland, the neutral's choice!

Despite being joint hosts (and one of the four seeds along with Austria, Greece and Holland, yes really) not many people will be tipping the Swiss to progress particularly far in this tournament and progression out of a relatively easy group will be seen as a success.

This is Switzerland's third time in the European Championship Finals and they will be hoping to improve upon their current goal tally of one per tournament (against England in 1996 and France in 2004) if they are to qualify from the group, although fielding a squad featuring 8 defenders, 9 midfielders and as many strikers as goalkeepers, 3, suggests that this maybe fairly unlikely.

If the Swiss decide to go for goals they may well field a partnership with the biggest age gap since Anne Nicole Smith and that billionaire Texan bloke, with veteran Alexander Frei, 48, playing alongside the wünderkind Eren Derdiyok, 15, who scored Switzerland's goal in the recent friendly at Wembley thus ending a barren run of 3 matches without a goal for the Swiss.

In defence, of course, they will be marshalled by the ever reliable Swiss Titus Bramble, Philippe Senderos (or Send-errors, as he is hilariously known at Arsenal), which may liven up the tradionally dull tournament opening fixture (vs the Czech Republic).

TC's prediction - To narrowly miss out on qualifying for the knock-out stages by losing to the Portugeezers in the final group match.

Player who most sounds like a character from a Harry Potter novel - Goal scoring midfielder Tranquillo Barnetta.

Portugal

2008-05-31T13:28:00.010+01:00

Welcome to the second of my Group A profiles, this time for the team of preening ninnies that I have decided to christen the Portugeezers.

Portugal

Official coach slogan - This coach is driven by the Will to Win!

Unofficial coach slogan - This coach is lubricated by the excess grease from Cristiano's hair!

The 'Portugeezers' (TM this blog) will be a lot of people's favourites for this tournament having improved by one stage in each of the last three Finals (beaten Quarter Finalists in 1996, Semi Finalists in 2000 and despite playing the Greeks at home they were beaten in the Final in 2004), they will be looking to go one step further in their Alpine adventure.

Coached by England managerial poisoned chalice avoiding and Sven's arch nemesis, Luiz Felipe Scolari (*sings* Scolari, whoah oh oh, Scolari, whoah oh oh, he comes from sunny Brazil, the papers call him "Big" Phil!) and featuring the talents of possibly the best player in the world, Helder Postiga, oh and some bloke called Ronaldo (not the big fat, buck toothed Brazilian one), the Portugeezers will be expected to make it out of the ordinary looking Group A with ease.

Expect every Portugal match to be billed as featuring 'Manchester United's Premier and Champions League winning Cristiano Ronaldo' and see how many times commentators can mention Chelsea's new multimillion pound acquisition, right-back Jose Bosingwa, before you feel like smashing the TV.

TC's prediction - More heartbreak and tears for the step-over kid as they get knocked out in the semis, possibly on penalties (will he miss again?).

Player that most sounds like a woman's lady parts since Stefan Kuntz in 1996 - Third choice keeper Quim.

Czech Republic

2008-05-31T02:55:00.015+01:00

Welcome to the first of my previews of the teams lining up to try to get their paws on the Henri Delaunay Trophy and wrestle it from the reigning Euro Champs from Greece.

First up in Group A (aka 'the Group of Mild Discomfort') along with Portugal, Switzerland and Turkey are the 'bouncing' Czechs.

Motty fact - All four teams in Group A play predominantly in red, making this the first all red group in the European Championships since it began in 1960.

Czech Republic

Official coach slogan - Let's go, let's win, let's fulfill our nation's dream!

Unofficial coach slogan - Petr Cech's lucky gimp mask will take us to victory!

The Czechs will be one of many pundits 'dark horses' at this tournament, not surprisingly as they have a good recent European Championship pedigree being between finalists in '96 and semi-finalists last time out (the eventual winners, Greece, managing to bore their way past them in 2004).

They are coached by wily old fox Karel Bruckner, 94, who despite having a girl's name is one of the most experienced coaches at the tournament, but they will be sorely missing Pavel Nedved (the only footballer whose surname sounds like it's on a record being played backwards), due to his international retirement, and Arsenal injury curse victim Tomas Rosicky (see also Croatia's Eduardo) meaning that they may struggle to create chances for the man they don't call the Czech Peter Crouch, Jan Koller.

Despite being in a bit of a transitional period they should be good enough to get out of the group but they may find themselves pitted against the dreaded German übermensch in the Quarter finals.

TC's prediction - Beaten Quarter finalists

Player most likely to cause David Pleat's tongue to tie itself in knots - experienced Juventus stopper Zdenek Grygera.

The Mascots

2008-05-29T13:57:00.002+01:00

As everyone knows a successful football tournament must have a decent mascot, '66 had World Cup Willie, Mexico '86 had Pique the sombrero wearing frog(?) and EURO '80 in Italy had some sort of pinnochio type 'boy' made out of wood, cakes and biscuits, wearing a paper hat with "EURO '80" written on it in marker pen.

This year the organisers have to decided to treat us with not one, but two mascots, each representing one of the joint host nations of Austria and Switzerland.

They are (Siamese?) twins "Trix" and "Flix" (both trademarked, though why anyone would want to rip off such pathetically anodyne names is beyond me, although thinking about it my dog is called "Trix" so does that mean that I now have to pay UEFA royalties whenever I call her?), a pair of strangely Japanese style cartoon characters who appear to be wearing bizarre wrestling style masks/hairpieces.

Still, at least having learnt the lessons from the rather disturbingly semi-naked lion Goleo fiasco of the World Cup in Germany '06, the designers have opted for the safer full football kit option, although Trix (assuming he's the one on the left) is going to, literally, have to pull his socks up if he wants to be allowed onto the field of play.

Worryingly at the UEFA unveiling of the mascots they were described as "footballing pixies", which conjours up images of a slightly less malevolent version of Dennis Wise in my mind.

Their hairstyles and Harry Potter-esque eyebrow scars are supposed to represent the shared Alpine border of the host nations rather than plotting a graph of England's international tournament record throughout the years.

As mascots go they are pretty rubbish but then being an honorary Londoner I can't really cast stones not when you consider the abomination that is the London 2012 Olympics logo, but if the mascots are a pointer to the standard of the tournament as a whole I think we're in store for a typically bland Swiss affair mixed with the Würst that Austria has to offer...

(Come on I had to get a terrible pun in there somewhere...)

Welcome, wilkommen, bienvenue, come on in!

2008-05-29T13:34:00.001+01:00

My name is Tony Cowards, stand up comedian and Ipswich Town supporter (the two go hand in hand), welcome to my new blog which will be guiding you through the Home Nation free festival of football, that will be, EURO 2008.

Over the coming days and weeks I will be casting my comedic eye (it's the left one) over the runners and riders, previewing each of the groups, posting my random thoughts as the tournament progresses and changing allegiances as it becomes clear that everyone's favourite dark horses, Spain, are going down the crapper once again.

Oh and there will be much infantile sniggering at the wonderfully named Wankdorf Stadium...

I hope you will find the blog entertaining, amusing and, perhaps occasionally, even educational.

COME ON THE FOOTBALL!