UEFA liven up potentially drab match by submerging pitch

After concerns expressed by representatives from the BBC, (mainly "shining wit" Gary Lineker) that no-one would want to watch the, less than, glamorous Switzerland vs Turkey match, UEFA last night controversially decided to flood the pitch at the St Jakob-Park stadium in Basel with 1.2 million gallons of water in an effort to provide much needed encouragement for British TV viewers to tune in.

Proposals to make the players wear huge novelty lederhosen and oversized football boots made from foam rubber were rejected when officials from the Turkish FA lead by coach, Fatty Terim, claimed that they would give the Swiss team containing Philippe Senderos an unfair advantage.

At a hastily convened press briefing this morning, tournament spokesman, Hans Gunter Schweinhund, said that the experiment had been "150% successful" and that viewer ratings in the UK had shot up as people realised that watching Swiss striker Hakin Yakin miss open goals, defenders being able to do 20 yard sliding tackles and with the new lightweight "Nike Penny Floater" ball holding up in the middle of massive goalmouth puddles causing the sort of mad scrambles not usually seen outside of a Primark sale in Croydon, was much more enjoyable that the complete twat-fest of "The Apprentice" on BBC1.

However the official would neither confirm nor deny the rumour that plans are in place for today's Austria vs Poland match to be played on a local ice hockey rink with the players being forced to wear giant foam heads representing former UEFA Presidents, although sources close to the tournament organisers have hinted that the final decision would be dependent upon the availabilty of ex-It's a Knockout presenter, Stuart Hall.